I am a giant exposed nerve

It has been a very hard week for me.

I have said goodbye to a long term friendship with someone who has meant a great deal to me. I have had to stop all communication because this friend is unable to accept me as I am now. He cannot see that I am no longer who I was when  he met me and that I will never be again. That so many events have erased and destroyed our chances at more than friendship.

At the same time, I have been troubled by my film production class. I feel overwhelmed because every story I come up with gets shot down in class and time is running out. My documentary idea, for which I had such hope, was picked apart and now I am even more terrified that I will fail at my very first effort. I feel the pressure is overwhelming. I wanted to learn and enjoy this class. I so looked forward to it, I thought I would learn to love it. Maybe I could have if it was just about learning to use the camera to capture images and use it effectively. But we are expected to do that and make a real film as well, with a beginning, middle and end. I am going to fail this class and I am so heartbroken and upset about this. I have never taken failure well. It’s my single biggest fear in life and now every class I am so full of anxiety that I can barely get through it.

Today another student started making a bunch of comments to me during class, very mean, cruel comments, saying I was kind of a know it all, instigator person. I wrote her a note saying that I was actually terrified, I guess because in my panic I have been asking these challenging, panicky questions. I told her I can be a smart-ass when I am freaking out. I told her I was afraid and she said of what? Yourself? And I said NO, of this class and the teacher. I have zero real photography experience and feel like I am out of my depth.

So at the end of class she was getting really rude…saying things like that I was a know it all…which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Exactly the opposite in fact. I am pressuring myself and my teacher to tell me more because I feel so under-prepared.

I was very surprised by her attitude, because of all the people in the class, she has the most ambitious, beautiful, moving movie idea that sounds so stunning and blows me away, so I admire this person a lot. It was incredibly devastating to feel all this hostility. I told her how much I was enjoying seeing her work and she said “I bet you are” in this sarcastic tone of voice. So I said…”what’s wrong?” and she said “I don’t like fake people!” Her voice was just dripping with contempt.

I mean, I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. I couldn’t move. Everybody else had left the room. I just sat there, put my sunglasses on and cried for about 10 minutes and tried to pull my pathetic ass together so I could make it to my next class.

It just hurt so much. It was so unexpected. I didn’t do anything to her that I am aware of.

It makes me want to climb in bed, put the covers over my head and never get out.


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