I really enjoy keeping a journal and have on several occasions throughout my life. For the past few years they have been online. I’ve found it liberating to write them, publish them and get feedback from my readers. The world has unfortunately caught on to blogging. Now, it’s all too common for someone to search out my name and blog and to learn intimate details that used to be of absolutely no interest to anyone.
When I read our assignment I ran over in my mind all the different things I could do to limit myself in my journal. My normal style is limitless, a stream of consciousness and very intimate.
Perhaps I should stay in the realm of the day to day. My struggles to attend school as an adult who has given up a lucrative career as an internet executive to follow a “call” to ministry in the Episcopal church. Having never needed an undergraduate degree to be successful, I now require one to attend Seminary if I manage to be accepted as a postulant.
Or I could focus on my internal/external emotional life and my relationships. It’s how I, and almost all women define themselves, by the success and failure of our relationships. It’s certainly what inspires the creative in me. My feelings for people, God and my relationships with them are the fuel that feeds my inspirational fire.
I’m sure I will also comment on experiences that move me, inspire me, and touch me. Art, film, even food are things that speak to my creative self in ways that are aspirational.
There’s also the election. At this particular time, we will be deciding who the Democratic nominee for President is, and I am a Barack Obama supporter. I read his book when it first came out and I have been nothing if not inspired by him and his vision of the possibility of a new America.
Today I taught my 2nd Sunday school class at my church, St. John’s Episcopal Roanoke. I teach 2nd and 3rd graders. I am now spending most of Sunday at church and it is probably my favorite day of the week. We learned about the “Golden Rule” lesson and how to find it in the Bible. (Do unto others as you would have done unto you.) We had a “Golden Rule” party to impress the lesson upon the kids after watching a video that accompanies the curriculum. We decorated cupcakes and played “Extreme Pin the Tail on the Donkey” where all the kids get to go at the same time. The idea of the party is that we are doing unto others, by throwing a party to celebrate them. I remember learning the “Platinum Rule” in corporate America, do unto others as they would have done unto them. Needless to say, I didn’t bring that up. Afterwards I worshiped at the 10 a.m. service.
Later this evening, I participated in the more casual evening service as a Chalicist and Intercessor, serving the Eucharistic wine and reading the Prayers of the People. I find this deeply satisfying, and hope that one day I will get to become a priest and serve the bread as well and preside over the service. This is a taste of what I hope will one day come and it is so fulfilling. Afterwards, there is a fellowship dinner, tonight it was Jambalaya and jalapeno cornbread. Then we have a short educational offering.
I also have a loved one, an ex-boyfriend, who is suffering from the early stages of early onset Alzheimer’s or vascular dementia. He’s 47, only 10 years older than me. He is still being diagnosed. I feel a lot of grief over this, and it is incredibly draining. It’s the kind of grief that knaws at you, like a rat chewing through the strings holding your body together. Every time I talk to him, I wonder if he will forget me sometime soon.
The high winds delivered an unwelcome injury, ripping the storm door out of my hand as I tried to close it, cold cocking me and sending me flying off of the front porch, down 3 stairs and literally 3 feet through the air to land on hands, knees and face. This is after waiting in the cold, blustery wind for Obama tickets for an hour, getting hit in the face by a stick that flew off a tree downtown and arriving home after church later in the evening to hear the stupid event had been canceled due to the self same wind. Grrr.
Since I am by nature a happy, cockeyed optimist, with a kind of deep spiritual serenity…this is most unlike me and I feel a bit off kilter. I have the Grammy’s on, and I’m eating my cheer me up candy: Nerds.
I think the best possible remedy for me tonight is a hot bath with Epsom salts, Calgon, some really nice music and an early bedtime. Perhaps I will even indulge myself with some light reading. I am enjoying a book called An Arsonist’s Guide to Writers’ Homes in New England, a novel by Brock Clarke.