Desire that burns

I am in between classes on a day where I am moving from my class on The Artist’s Journal to World Religions to Images of Women on Film. Tuesday is movie day in the film class so I look forward to it the most. There is a special magic in sitting in the darkened theater falling into a story completely for two hours and getting college credit for it.
I keep feeling a need to replay special moments of my recent film festival experience in my mind. The moment I am not engaged in my surroundings I fall into reverie and relive them. I am also listening to my current personal soundtrack on my iPod and applying every song to my own experience, desires and wants. I feel a burning in my chest, a need to create. My fingers itch for my paintbrush and pen, I am overflowing with sensation and need to get it out and onto the canvas or page. I want to capture those moments from my mind and express them, take the heady edge off of their intensity and pour them out molten and rich, sweet and aching to provide relief. To codify, name and examine them externally and thereby control them.

It’s also my lunch break, the apple I am eating is tart and juicy, flooding my mouth with nectar. It reminds me of the apples at the Awards Barbecue at the film festival and for a moment I am there again, at the big round table shared by my friends, idly eating a much sweeter apple and people watching, searching out familiar ones and experiencing a mixture of dread and anticipation while I await the show, knowing that at its conclusion I will have to return home. None of the people who drove wanted to stay for the afternoon. I feel a twinge of sincere regret at not driving myself. It’s only a momentary one. It’s good for me to relinquish control and float along with a group, only rousing my inner director to ensure that we ate well, that our accommodations were up to par and to encourage attendance at specific films. The experience of being with a group is prescriptive because it challenges me.
In the land of ideas, I am not a great follower. I am better one on one, or in a collaborative work setting acting as a firestarter. I love to stoke the engine, enabling a community of creatives to drop their barriers and let their imaginations run together, push and pull each other, dance and fence, sing and embrace until we are all splashed and colored by the amber, vermillion and indigo of intertwined ideas. The best creative work I’ve done and enjoyed has been in a group of people playing off of each other and moving together to ensure a common vision triumphs.
The song Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley has just come on and I am drawn back to the music, feel my mind following the notes, my toungue tasting the words. It is time to leave for my next class, perhaps I will write more later.

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