Ups and Downs

You know how it feels when you are in the zone? Everything cranking right along. Then all of a sudden, something throws a wrench in the works and it’s back to square one. I tend to get philosophical when this occurs. While definitely not happy to have been sick for the last 10 days or so, it gave me a lot more thinking rather than doing time. I might be stressed right now because I have fallen a little behind, but being so forced me to admit the fact to a couple of my teachers and ask for extensions. Asking for help or extra time feels like cheating or not living up to my own crazy high expectations so it’s difficult for me to do it. But bringing myself to do it and talk about it with my adviser helped me immensely. I have a problem with these internal expectations. My adviser is adept at helping me be more realistic…i.e. human. It feels good to have taken the risk. Every time I do, I feel myself growing in a way. It’s loosens me up inside somehow. About 4 years ago now, I was asked to name my biggest fear, and after reflecting upon it for a while, I realized it is failure.

Now, I try to be careful when I start to get worried about failing in some way, and to do the opposite of what my instinct is. I never want to act out of fear. I know it’s impossible to achieve that, but it’s critical for me to slow down and make sure that I am not acting from that fearful place. If I do, it just sets me farther back.

Example: When I am late in finishing an assignment, I will stay up all night to complete it. Then the next day and the next and the next. Since I never give myself room to do less that the best possible work, I wear myself out to the point where I can get sick for 10 days.
Silly huh? A couple of B’s won’t kill me if they happen.

So I am focused on the idea of this as a learning experience. I registered for Fall Semester today. Unfortunately Fencing is not offered again, but I am now practicing with the fencing club and I can make up the classes I’ve missed by going to a make-up session at the YMCA where our teacher has a public class on Saturday. Yay!

This is how intense my life is: I have class tomorrow morning, then I will work on catch up all afternoon in the library, have fencing class from 6-7 then be back on campus for a Spiritual and Religious Life meeting at 9pm.
I’ll then have class all day Thursday, followed by fencing club at 5, the club I started for Episcopalians at 6:15 and then home to work on papers.
Friday, I have class in the morning, I can catch up on some work Friday afternoon and if I have finished it all, I will absolutely go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall as a reward on Friday night. It just doesn’t feel like Friday night without a movie.

Saturday a.m. it’s off to the synagogue for a World Religions assignment. (We attend a service in a religion other than our own and then write a paper about it.)
Saturday p.m. is my make up session for fencing at the Y. Then I need to make un-iced cupcakes for my Sunday School class. We are using them in one of the activities. It’s decorate and eat with a Christian message. Good for 2nd/3rd graders.

Sunday is just my favorite day of the week. After Sunday school, which is joyful, I get to go to service for myself. I then go home for a break which I usually employ by napping. I get back to church at 5 for the evening acoustic worship, where I get to be a Chalicist and sometimes read the prayers. This is followed by a church dinner and a class. Right now we are learning about the Proverbs of Jesus. It’s a time when I can totally put day to day and me out of the picture and focus solely on God, his church and his people. Wonderful.

Now that I’ve mapped it out, it doesn’t seem bad at all. 🙂

I am also excited about an assingment in English. I loved the journal we read for today which is by a painter, Robery Henri, and I feel inspired to paint something myself. I think I am going to do that for the assignment, which is about expressing a creative response to one of the journals we’ve read.
Now I just need to pick a subject.

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