At the sermon I heard last weekend, the guest preacher said something that seemed very relevant to me. He said that it’s easier to look back and see what you’ve lost, then to look forward and see what is possible. I’ve really felt that lately. Maybe because classes will end for the summer and my internship doesn’t start until June. I’ve found myself daydreaming about the way I used to live and working in the interactive space again. I think about toys I would like to have, shopping I wish to do and living in a cosmopolitan city. It’s really hard to see my way forward right now. I wonder if I am truly meant to be a priest. I know that doubt is an integral part of faith. I remind myself that it can’t be a coincidence that the things I miss are all things of the “body”. By that I mean accumulating them will provide little in the way of spiritual sustenance while at the same time encouraging self indulgence.
I think that it’s highly improbable for anyone to join me and share my life as I work towards the priesthood. I am sure some men wouldn’t have an issue with it, but I can’t imagine who or what he would be like.
Am I dooming myself in a way by following this call? Or should I simply trust that God will provide, even in that way, if I am patient and faithful. If I pause long enough to consider it, I know that is the only thing I can do. In absolute honesty, I can’t stand the idea of not keeping my promise to God, and I simply won’t abandon the life I am being guided towards. It may mean that I won’t have many of the things I have come to appreciate. It may mean that I do end up alone and without the possibility of more children. I have to run that thought through my head and heart and get used to it.
I only have 2 tests and one paper left to be finished. I’d like to see a movie tomorrow night. Maybe go for a hike on Saturday. Try to control my ice cream addiction, just thinking that Pop’s has GREAT ice cream. 🙂
I’ll also be looking for a part-time summer job soon too.
Tonight I listen to the rain, the thunder and watch the lightening shadow across my walls. It makes me feel safe and warm in my snug little bed.
My little dog is pressed up against me, he’s afraid of the storm. Sweet little thing.
Boston plays tonight and so do the Detroit Red Wings. I hope they both win.
I’ll be watching The Office, 30 Rock and Grey’s Anatomy.
TV junkiedom is so awesome.


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