Lately I have been musing on loss. When I started on this road I knew there would be some. In fact my journey began with loss. In order to follow a call you have to relinquish your identity as a member of the world we live in today. A world which tells you that success is what you achieve, own and accumulate. A world which defines you by what you do. When I fervently prayed to God to use me according to his will, I meant it with all of my heart and soul and mind. My faith has ever been as present as my pulse, as a part of me as my blood and breath.
I understood that my daughter was ready to move on to her adult life and that this freed me somewhat to be fully God’s. To take up my cross, so to speak. Along the way I have had support from unexpected places and from the ones who have always been there for me. But now, I feel that God is stripping all of those supports away. I feel him pulling me toward complete dependence on him and it is terrifying. Oh I thought I was close to there. I had stopped trying to hold on to so many worldly things. I gave up my career and my identity as a powerful person in control. But in reality, I still clung to the idea of holding onto people and places to give me strength and comfort instead of God.
I told myself I sought his face and voice in them, and I believe that is true. But part of what I sought was simply common comfort and humanity. Understanding and a feeling that I was not alone among humans.
Now as people and safe places are stripped from me, in what seems a purposeful way, my own naked need and desire to control my surroundings and relationships is exposed to me.
And I am ashamed.
Sometimes I feel like God is kneecapping me to remind me to fall to them.
Sometimes I think I need it.
I spend a lot of time praying, not so much arguing or begging or pleading as just waiting in silence with these thoughts and trying to see or hear. I can almost make out the shape of what I am supposed to understand.
I dwell on a meditation that spoke to me recently. “Abide in Me”
If I can rest in him, and let all this sound and fury fall away, let all the fear and uncertainty dispel, I will know that peace that comes with his voice.
So this is my mission and my only guide as I navigate this challenging time.
My roommate fell through and I may lose the money that I gave the person in good faith. I need a place by the end of the month and nothing seems to be coming despite my searching. My spiritual advisor is leaving in January to move to another state. I will in many ways be alone in Roanoke.
My boyfriend seems distant and like a dream. He lives in another state, as does all of my family except my mother and she lives in another city. My daughter is so very far away. It feels like all my connections are being stretched or cut.
I am beginning to feel as if I will break from it.
All of these things and these people are so important and I am so helpless to do anything about most of them.
The agony of that is quite unnerving. I am SUCH a doer and yet that is not what I am called to be at this moment. I am simply called to BE.
To have faith and be patient and believe.
And though it grieves me, pains me, tortures me, that is what I will do.
As I will do all that he asks of me.