After all, tomorrow is another day

Ahh, the unforgettable words of Scarlett O’Hara as she lies crying on the stairs after Rhett’s departure.

I am not thinking about losses right now. Instead I am trying to just focus on my work at school, and my relationship with God. I am waiting for the results of the Cargoes competition, even though I don’t think I will win it, I wanted to see if I would even get in.

I met my new Spiritual Director yesterday and it was a relief to unburden myself of all the experiences I have been carrying around for the last year. Just somewhere safe to talk about my “moments of zen” for lack of a better word when I experience something out of the ordinary. When God seems to reach out and tip up my chin to speak to me.

We read Kafka’s journal for English and I really appreciated it. I sympathized with him because right now and into the future looks like a long lonely road where no one will ever understand my experience and any chance I take at sharing it could result in rejection. I feel very wounded by my last meaningful relationship. I am trying not to take it as an indicator of how futile it is to try and fully share with another human being. I want to live in hope that one day I will have someone to love that will be strong enough and man enough for me. I say that semi-sarcastically, though it does seem that I am stronger than almost, if not every man I meet. It’s hard not to lose respect for them. Once respect has fallen, love is sure to follow…dissipating into a fine half-remembered mist.

Lately I have been listening to sermons and recordings of some Christian education classes I took at the National Cathedral. Sam Lloyd was my rector at Trinity Copley in Boston and now he is the Dean of the National Cathedral. In one class he was going over the differences between Agape and Adakia love. I was reminded of this by the CS Lewis class that I am currently taking at church. In any case, Dean Lloyd started talking about this poem he wanted to share with us. It was written by CS Lewis as he was losing his wife of 3 years to cancer. Love came late to his life and at this point he was considered one of the most famous Christians in Christandom. So it’s all the more revelatory that he writes this poem after achieving some recognition and is famous for his Christian-ness.

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.
Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love –a scholar’s parrot may talk Greek–
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.
Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.
For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

C S Lewis

I just keep thinking of that poem. I wonder how far I can make it out of my proper skin.
Then there is this little gem, which I trust will be less and less true as day follows day or as soon as I see my daughter again.

Separation
by W. S. Merwin
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

The girl next to me reeks of cigarette smoke, I am in the small niche just outside the classroom in Dana typing away and the smell is so pervasive it is driving me away.
Let me print my chili recipe for tomorrow’s Horizon chili-cook off and my list of the teachers I am to call at my daughter’s command.

How much of what hurts in me is really missing her?
Maybe more than I can admit or face and hope to continue on this path.
Until later.

“I really shouldn’t be doing this…”

To paraphrase a song by George Strait…but in this case I am simply referring to staying up way past my bedtime and posting. I have a lot to review in my mind though, and writing it down seems to help. I still haven’t come up with a really good second story to match the quality of the first movie idea I had. I have three small ideas and am trying to decide which one would has the greatest chance of working. Tomorrow I will try and put together a shot list for each and see if that directs me.

Today in Film as Narrative Art we watched El Mariachi. I enjoyed it. I have seen all the others in the Rodriguez series, so I was glad to see the first. Neat to see his humble beginnings and also to see how Antonio Banderas grew the character.

In Creating the American Nation we watched part of a documentary about slavery that I found very disturbing. I just am having such a hard time with this part of the class. I always have trouble forcing myself to witness man’s inhumanity to man, but this is just emotional to me. Maybe because its first thing in the morning, or its the sheer helplessness of it, or the fact that I have been surrounded by the effects of this issue since my birth in Mobile, AL that it just grieves me so. I was moved to tears and hoped no one saw me during parts of the film. Just horrible. ­čÖé

I did some test shooting with the Bolex today and that was exciting. I have conquered my fear of loading and using it. Hurrah! In Film Production we learned how to set up a light kit in case we need to film inside.

The busiest part of the day was supporting the club SRLA (Spiritual and Religious Life Association) in their fundraiser. They sell carnation bouquets to the parents of freshman and then assemble and deliver them to dorms. So I worked with them to rustle up some volunteers and do some delivery. It was a lot of fun, though time consuming. I ended up getting home quite late.

I completed my first article for Columns. I will have to type up the second in the morning. I also need to take my quantitative reasoning test if I can then, to just get it out of the way. I was able to drop piano, so no prob there. Oh and my migraine seems to have abated somewhat.

I spoke to Dean O’Toole about the technology platform on which to publish the online version of the paper and she agreed with me that it is really a President Gray call. She asked for a couple of days to figure out the best way to handle that. I pointed out what I thought were the pros/cons of using a hosted tool. The biggest con is that we will sacrifice some advertising control at the national level, but I think we can make editorial calls to combat that. (If they run ads for credit cards, we can add a column about managing your finances/debt responsibly.) The benefit of letting the staff learn how to use a tool like CollegePublisher.com to produce, market and traffic a paper and its advertising is enormous from a “on the job” training perspective. Those are skills that are worth money in the marketplace right now. There are jobs in Roanoke for those types of skills. There are even more lucrative jobs in major cities all over the country. They are also somewhat technical in nature jobs even though they are relatively “soft” tech. So they are WELL PAID. Women need the kinds of opportunities these skills would provide them. I think a little compromise on the college’s part would be wise in this instance, not only for the girl’s sake, but for the enrichment of the overall journalism program.

Well, I’ll get off my soapbox now. I am actually getting sleepy so I will go say my prayers and get some rest.

To end on another quote, quite out of place…

“Tomorrow is another day.”

-Scarlett O’Hara- “Gone With The Wind”