What have I learned in the last 10 days? Drawing is really hard. It’s even harder in a class full of people who have taken lessons before. Luckily there are a few of us who actually are beginners taking BEGINNING DRAWING. Since we are in the minority though, I can understand why the teacher prefers to pitch the class slightly towards those who are more proficient. It just makes me feel like such a useless bag of cement. I spend at least half of the 3 hour class cajoling myself into sticking with it. A rather dismayingly large part of me wants to quit because I am not immediately proficient. Tsk, tsk. That will never do.
I have also learned that Feminist Philosophy is going to piss me off, without fail, no matter how hard I try to keep it in the realm of the mind. Why does it bother me so much? Not for the obvious reasons. Not because it reminds me of Sexism or Injustice in general. Not because it makes me angry about the oppression of women. (Though really, those things are enough) It’s because at our core we are all the same element, our souls are made up of the same ephemeral stuff. It’s only in this hard and fast physical moment that we are translated into Male and Female. Part of me absolutely delights in the differences that this translation brings. What I abhor is the value that our (American/Western) society places on these differences. Why is analytical skill or aggression more highly valued than nurturing or communication? It may be politically correct to say that it isn’t, but if you look at the bottom dollar it absolutely is. Might=Right. It just aggravates the heck out of me. Maybe it’s hard wired into our DNA.
I’ve learned that I still love fencing, and want to be better at it, passionately. I am setting aside some of my $ to get a bit of decent equipment. That’s IT.
I’ve learned that I am in a class of poets, all of whom have different voices. A few of them awe me and I find them delightful reading. I look forward to reading more. I think I would feel a lot worse about my own poetry if I wrote it for anything other than catharsis and self-revelation. Luckily I am a hack and I can live with that.
I’ve learned that you can overcome your fear of speaking French badly in public. Especially in a room full of other people speaking French badly in public. 🙂 I just read that there is a J-term trip to France to study French. Beginners encouraged. Sigh. I would love to indulge myself in that. But I am pretty sure such a thing is impossible for someone like me. The cost will likely be prohibitive. I would be blessed to get the paid internship in DC. The idea of going to France for a month to study a language is a fantasy land kind of thing.
I’ve been looking for a place to live while searching for a used car since my mom will probably be moving to Richmond at the end of the month. It’s kind of scary and kind of exciting at the same time. I got to work at a wedding last weekend on Saturday night. They married in the courtyard and then came upstairs for the reception. It was very romantic. They danced to the theme from Ice Castles.
The night before was a huge party called First Friday’s. The club featured a live band called The Kings. It was fun to work the event and listen to the music. It was largely a matter of dancing around the guests to the songs, getting drinks and singing softly under your breath. Kind of fun. The guests were truly champion imbibers however. I was a little shocked/impressed? I would be in the ER with alcohol poisoning if I attempted to match them.
I’ve come to the startling conclusion that something curious is happening in the middle of my chest. To that organ of fire and mystery, that unruleable, immutable, explosion of heat and light where love resides. How dim its light had grown, banked to embers, soothed to silence and serenity. Lately though, there’s been a breath of air, a stirring, a flicker, a flame. Where before I could ignore it, content that no danger of combustion threatened, now I sense unruly desire. Its a matter of moments for my ear to hear a sound, a voice, linger on cheek or lip and suddenly it is a nova, an inferno, consuming me. As if it had not rested idly, softly, innocently, but instead husbanded all its strength, gathered itself to burst forth intoxicated by the object of devotion. I am left perplexed, amazed and quite at the mercy of this wayward heart. There is no choice of course but to risk all, come what may. That is my nature. I can no more change it than I can stop breathing or blinking. I know pain, I know loss, and I know I can survive it. Even the smallest joy is worth great loss. If you have the courage to take it.
Luckily that isn’t something I lack. Tact-yes, courage- no. Hee Hee.
One more quick note for my own monitoring purposes, I have already lost 5lbs since the start of school. (Including the week before the official start date) If things continue as per usual that means without continued real attentiveness I have exactly 5 weeks before I cross the NO GO line. (100lbs) It is my sincere hope that the intense workouts with fencing and PE will build enough new muscle to compensate for any loss so that I don’t drop below 100lbs.
This Sunday is Welcome Back Sunday and we get to wear special T-shirts to church and sign up for new stuff. I am reading the Prayers of the People and serving Chalice at the 10:00 a.m. so that will be fun. Then next weekend is the first week of new Sunday school, and new service times, we will now have an 11:00 a.m. service! It’s also the first Fall gathering with Dinner and we (The Canterbury Society) will be bringing in Dick Schmidt (Editor of Forward Day by Day) for an event at Hollins the following day so he will preach at that service.
All in all, many new threads to weave into my life and contemplate. I feel a great desire to spend some time swimming. I wish I could run away to Douthat for an afternoon swim or even better the Gulf. How I crave the salt embrace of its waters. A part of me is always longing, reaching for it inside.
Time for me to head home and seek a meal of some kind, work on my French and Philosophy homework and write a little poetry.